Autism is a gift from God. It's not a sin to cut yourself. Just be careful, be gentle on yourself and take care of yourself. Force yourself to talk to other people. You need other people. Other Christians. We need fellowship, or we'll be sad and empty. Love yourself. It's okay to write love on your arm with a blade. If you don't have a blade and are taking a break, just draw on your arms with highlighters. Write poetry.
I stopped cutting for about a year and a half. Before that, I stopped for about five or six years without any therapy. I'm not an addict. I plan on doing it again, someday. I know I have forever. I don't want to kill myself. Life is sacred; I know this. Cutting helps me love myself, and enlightens me - enlightenment is christian - to me it means having realizations and revalations about God, the universe, and myself. I just like the sensation it gives me sometimes. It helps me feel.
When I smoke cannabis - ganja - I close my eyes and inhale. I won't use a glass bowl again - I don't want liquid glass in my lungs. I'll use a hemp vaporizor instead. Ganja is a gift from God - it helps you talk to Him, and makes you love Him more. It helps you love yourself, and talk to your friends and family more honestly - like a river flowing from our consciousness. I'm not a drug addict. Just weed. The others - DMT, LSD, MDMA - they are all fiction (research chemicals, bath salts...poisons. They just hurt you).
What does it mean to be autistic? To me, it means I feel awkward around people and it's hard to talk to people honestly, but I force myself to. It makes me want a schedule. I pray to be a genius, and most geniuses are a little bit autistic. It makes me good at math and art. I have an atypical, creative, different, unique view of the world. It makes you embarrassed when you try to talk to your friends. It makes you feel lonely in a crowd of people.. It makes me want to scream and bang my head on my pillow - sometimes the wall. I usually black out for it. I scream to let the pain out.
Things that are normal to others - sensations, emotions, feelings - make no sense to me. I like being different. I'm a trillion. I started out low functioning, now I am on the high side of medium functioning, but who cares about the spectrum? I still have autism. It gets better, and worse, all the time. Sometimes, when I want to talk to people, I say something without looking at them, and feel awkward and I want to start screaming. When my soulmate was with someone else, and ruined Teen titans for me, I started freaking out as I was walking to the gym at 5 am in the morning. I couldn't sleep because I was feeling elvish heartbreak. I was yelling and freaking out.
Low functioning autistic people have a hard time sensing other peoples' emotions. Sometimes, autism makes it hard for me to feel. I would cut myself to help me feel something. I sit on the couch and rock back and forth, hitting my back on the couch. Something just feels wrong,and I let my body collapse on the couch. I stay like that, frozen, a little bit relaxed. A calm from God comes over me, and I force myself to get up.
Autism is autism - whether low, medium, or high functioning. It's real. It's a gift. It's hard to make friends, so it helps me shun evil. God leads me to the people I need in my life. It's all I've ever known. I don't want to be healed. I'm not sick. Sometimes, it makes me feel empty and depressed - lonely, needing someone, needing God. I don't remember my first childhood - it was a trillion years ago. I imagine I might have been worse.
Music helps. Art helps. Cats help. Especially cats. Except, cats need families, so I feel like I'm hurting the cat by only having three cats. My brother has one cat. I don't have any, but cats wake up something inside me, and make me happy. I'm a faerie, so it's easier to talk to cats than people. I'm fully three species: cherub-archangel-faerie-elf. It's an important part of my life.
When I'm depressed, I'm numb and empty, missing my soulmate. I ask Jesus to come into my heart, I read and study my Bible, and listen to and sing christian music, both outloud and telepathically. Sometimes, God is my only friend. My family are my friends. My soulmate is my friend.
Art speaks to me. It's hard to read, even though I'm a writer. It's hard to find books that speak to me. But when I do, its a resounding experience. I love writing essays and book reviews. I'm working on my own novel - I'm only on page 54 though.
Sometimes I don't know what it means to be autistic. The people that stole me didn't tell me I'm autistic. God forced them to make "creation station" - doing art is a way to communicate easier than talking. When I tell the truth, I start freaking out inside, and say never-mind. My soulmate is my twin - he is the same way. God will lead him back to me. I had a waking dream that told me I was autistic, by meeting a dream character who told me he has aspergers - high functioning autism. It is a gift from God. It's always okay to not be okay. It's okay to be scared of people and it's okay to hurt. It's okay to have a hard time loving yourself. Just try. Be yourself. Don't take risperdol: it's poison,adn causes electric feelings. Seroquel is worse: it makes you feel like there's a disgusting monster inside of you. If it happens in a dream, it's worse and gross and just terrible. It's not a side-effect - its the only effect. God never lets it go down anymore.
Sometimes it means I don't understand the world I'm in - that I was made for a different world. Anyways, that's how I was when I was on Earth. Now I'm almost home, in heaven, just the wrong part of heaven, on assignment. Telepathy helps, but it isn't enough to feel okay. When tears come, I am overjoyed that I am finally feeling something. Tears of sadness turn into tears of joy.
Be yourself. Don't try to be normal. Accept yourself just the way you are. You might have some hard days, but it's okay. Be, and believe. Cannabis helps. It's the only true medicine. Chamomile and valerian root helps too. Psychiatric drugs don't - drug means poison, and cannabis isn't a drug. It's an herb and a flower.
That's all for now. Love,
Rebecca <3 :)
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