Sometimes, it's hard to feel. It doesn't mean you're a sociopath. It's a symptom of autism. It makes it hard to talk to people.. Its more than shyness, just like depression is more than sadness. It makes you freak out when things feel wrong. I bang my head and kick my legs and scream. I scream the pain out.
I've cut myself for a trillion years. I've taken 100 year breaks. I do it because I can't cry. I can't feel, so i feel pain, and it helps me love myself. I don't do it to hurt myself. Sometimes, I just love the sensation of pain on my arm. It doesn't mean crazy. It's just a part of who I am. Now that I know who I am (I forgot myself for around 30 years when I was stolen from my father), God heals my cuts really quickly and that helps me believe. I clean them and take care of them.
Some people carve "hate" or "fat" or "gross" on their body. I cut a butterfly on my upper arm, and "I am strong" on my leg. Sometimes I feel like the pain makes me stronger. I cut "cherish" on my leg as a reminder to cherish myself and God and all my friends and the universe God made for all of His children.
It's addictive, though. I try to do it only two or three times a week, but I already did it three days in a row. i've been sad and lonely and I need it. I know I will re-learn how to control myself. I don't know what is worse: banging my head and screaming and getting a concussion, or cutting myself just to see blood on my arm, reminding myself I'm not underground dreaming. I don't want to wake up outside or underground kicking or screaming.
That's all for now. I'm going to try to study the Bible later and then I'll post again.
Love,
Rebecca <3:)
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