Sunday, July 12, 2020

feeling nothing

When I was a teenager my dad called me a sociopath, abused me, threw me on the ground, every morning before school we would fight and I would hit him with my hair brush.

Since then I have discovered autism and aspd. I have wondered if I am somewhere on the spectrum. My psychiatrists think it is schizzoaffective disorder but I don't trust the system or doctors et cetera et cetera.

The summer after my first year of college I realized I don't feel anything for anyone except for the fictional characters in Smallville. Every time I re watch all the episodes of Smallville I would remember that I am still back where I was at age 17, stuck in a fantasy world in extremes of good and evil, super heroes and super villians.

I would cut myself to feel alive and to prepare myself if I ever had to defend myself. So I would never be afraid of the pain of a knife.

Now I am obsessed with lifting heavy shit and throwing my body in the air into powerful flips. It is fun and I say it is therepeutic. I don't really know if it is. I sweat and I feel alive. My body aches and is sore and I am thrilled. I train to be strong, strong even just for the thrill of being strong.

When I was a teenager the idea that there might be another war, a real one and not just one in a history textbook, excited me. I was a 4.0 student in highschool but I often secretly cheated, wandered the hallways during lunch throwing away my lunch and running up and down the staircases and doing wild toe touches and jumping jacks.

Normal is a social construct that I refuse to be a part of. I spend long hours listening to music, writing, working out. Being a loner suits me but I do enjoy spending time with my family but after a certain amount of time I feel drained and need to leave the room and sit by myself in my room or wherever I find myself to be.

I'll continue this later...

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Wellness toolbox

Things that make me feel better:

Hiking for a long time in the woodlands
Power tumbling (gymnastics) and power lifting
Spend time in God's Word, in prayer and studying the Bible
Going for a run
Lighting candles
Making coffee and drinking it while meditating
Meditating while visualizing myself doing my sports
Listening to music and singing along
Writing poetry and novels
Practicing lucid dreaming and reccording dreams in a dream journal
Painting and drawing and creating art. This can create a journey towards wellness and recovery.
Art is a process where we discover our true self.

Remember to call the warm line 877 794 7337

I have a process called PANIC BOOK, which is a first response to terror attacks, panic attacks, anxiety, voices, depression. This is a project that I started at the On Our Own of Montgomery County, which is an organization based on peer support and for wellness and recovery.

Take a hardback novel that you are done reading. Make collages on each page, each page with a different theme. Decorate your panic book with images that calm you down. Psych hospitals are not always the best response to extreme emotions and situations. Turn to art and inspiration and music. Draw or paint or write in your panic book as well.

REMEMBER call 877 794 7337 to speak with a kind peer who understand what it is like to experiences mental health conditions.

Friday, May 1, 2020

Make Lemonade WARM LINE

Make Lemonade Warm Line is open! Call 877-794-7337 if you are lonely, have mental health concerns and substance abuse, need a friend to bounce off ideas, get support, etc. 7337 stands for PEER.
Open Monday, Wednesday and Friday 1 pm to 3 am
Tuesday and Thursday 9 am - 5 pm
Saturday 3 pm - 11 pm
Talk with a life assistant who cares and will not judge!

Just got involved with this beautiful project. Based on the peer support grassroots movement where we grow mutual friendships of support and listening ears. Don't be afraid to call!