Sunday, July 12, 2020

feeling nothing

When I was a teenager my dad called me a sociopath, abused me, threw me on the ground, every morning before school we would fight and I would hit him with my hair brush.

Since then I have discovered autism and aspd. I have wondered if I am somewhere on the spectrum. My psychiatrists think it is schizzoaffective disorder but I don't trust the system or doctors et cetera et cetera.

The summer after my first year of college I realized I don't feel anything for anyone except for the fictional characters in Smallville. Every time I re watch all the episodes of Smallville I would remember that I am still back where I was at age 17, stuck in a fantasy world in extremes of good and evil, super heroes and super villians.

I would cut myself to feel alive and to prepare myself if I ever had to defend myself. So I would never be afraid of the pain of a knife.

Now I am obsessed with lifting heavy shit and throwing my body in the air into powerful flips. It is fun and I say it is therepeutic. I don't really know if it is. I sweat and I feel alive. My body aches and is sore and I am thrilled. I train to be strong, strong even just for the thrill of being strong.

When I was a teenager the idea that there might be another war, a real one and not just one in a history textbook, excited me. I was a 4.0 student in highschool but I often secretly cheated, wandered the hallways during lunch throwing away my lunch and running up and down the staircases and doing wild toe touches and jumping jacks.

Normal is a social construct that I refuse to be a part of. I spend long hours listening to music, writing, working out. Being a loner suits me but I do enjoy spending time with my family but after a certain amount of time I feel drained and need to leave the room and sit by myself in my room or wherever I find myself to be.

I'll continue this later...

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Wellness toolbox

Things that make me feel better:

Hiking for a long time in the woodlands
Power tumbling (gymnastics) and power lifting
Spend time in God's Word, in prayer and studying the Bible
Going for a run
Lighting candles
Making coffee and drinking it while meditating
Meditating while visualizing myself doing my sports
Listening to music and singing along
Writing poetry and novels
Practicing lucid dreaming and reccording dreams in a dream journal
Painting and drawing and creating art. This can create a journey towards wellness and recovery.
Art is a process where we discover our true self.

Remember to call the warm line 877 794 7337

I have a process called PANIC BOOK, which is a first response to terror attacks, panic attacks, anxiety, voices, depression. This is a project that I started at the On Our Own of Montgomery County, which is an organization based on peer support and for wellness and recovery.

Take a hardback novel that you are done reading. Make collages on each page, each page with a different theme. Decorate your panic book with images that calm you down. Psych hospitals are not always the best response to extreme emotions and situations. Turn to art and inspiration and music. Draw or paint or write in your panic book as well.

REMEMBER call 877 794 7337 to speak with a kind peer who understand what it is like to experiences mental health conditions.

Friday, May 1, 2020

Make Lemonade WARM LINE

Make Lemonade Warm Line is open! Call 877-794-7337 if you are lonely, have mental health concerns and substance abuse, need a friend to bounce off ideas, get support, etc. 7337 stands for PEER.
Open Monday, Wednesday and Friday 1 pm to 3 am
Tuesday and Thursday 9 am - 5 pm
Saturday 3 pm - 11 pm
Talk with a life assistant who cares and will not judge!

Just got involved with this beautiful project. Based on the peer support grassroots movement where we grow mutual friendships of support and listening ears. Don't be afraid to call!

Sunday, May 5, 2019


 The strength in me is the strength God puts in me. I store my strength in my muscles every time I go to workout. I sweat out all my pain and dreams and doubts. I love singing in the rain and the color green and acorns and burning ember and candles lit to worship Jesus and wearing headbands and the cacti in the desert and the sand when I rush into the ocean and let the waves get me high. Beautiful things give me strength. I keep this strength with me for a rainy day or when I have to go strange places I have never been before and try not to care that I might get lost.

I love to work out because I want to be an archangel. I want to be a warrior of God. I want to lift a car with one hand and jump off of a rushing white waterfall and flip into the rocky pool at the bottom. I want to swim and train and train and train.

I don't understand anymore why someone would want to put chemicals in their fucking lungs instead of dancing wildly on a sandy beach and running into teal waves that crash hard. Why soar secretly on black wings with bitter acerbic white dust running through your veins contaminating your blood, when you can fly for real in the ocean and in sunny lakes? Why sit there getting high when you can dig your toes into the sand at the beach, when you can dive under the water and dig for sharp seashells? Why not sit and cry, why not sit through the pain, why try to escape?

There is an arcane buzzing in me. There is a spark that lights me up and I go running after it. There is a yearning like the water, and I run fast towards a beautiful horizon.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Goals and dreams

Things I want to accomplish:

1. Go to the Olympics for Gymnastics and win
2. Get a PhD
3. Write and publish a novel
4. Get superstrength, work hard lifting weights, bicep curls with 100+lbs
5. Stay fit and understand exercise-science
6. Fall in love

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

art therapy and Christianity and my journey

I found a quote that really speaks to me:

“If I stay long enough in the studio, just stay with the work even if it doesn’t feel great or seem satisfying or directional or conclusive, if I just stay to tend and garden, then my mind gradually yields control to the more automatic labor of painting, and with that comes a sweet spot in the process further down, a worn groove, a sense of ease.”
– Anna Schuleit

I am in the process of becoming an art therapist, or more specifically, going deeper into my journey to bring happiness and love to people through giving space to create art, including poetry, paintings, collages. To eventually see the Jesus in the process revealing Himself to my clients.

I call myself neorodivergent. I have lately been becoming aware that I have always been autistic and that it was missed in my childhood. I almost feel like I missed out on the childhood I was supposed to have. Anyways, I can live now the way I am supposed to. I love to train gymnastics and lift heavy weights. Since my church choir tour when I was sixteen, I have decided that I want to be a super-hero, specifically, batman (though I am female).

I will be back to write more.

Friday, February 16, 2018

Pilgrimage to New Zealand

I feel called to move to New Zealand. It is sooo important to me but all of the red tape makes it feel overwhelming.

I swear I have good character. I am a loving Christian church goer. I am a writer. I want to help people with mental illnesses find peace, love, and wellness. I want to bring Jesus to them.

It seems complicated. So I will break it down to these steps:
                      1. Go to NZ. Get a tourist visa extended to 1 year
                       2. Apply for jobs and have an employer sign the employment part of the application.
                       3. Go to a doctor and get a chest x-ray...whats in my heart? Jesus. Get that part of the work visa application signed.
                     4. Get finger-printed and send a letter to the fbi to get a certificate of good character

I am rehearsing my plan to become a citizen of New Zealand. If it is God's plan for me (PLEASE, God! :) )I will become a NZ citizen

Looking at all the steps, it feels more possible. I can do it.

This is what I need to do:
           request this:

Identity History Summary Check

Apply to either the FBI or an approved channeler.
              FBI CJIS Division - Record Request
FBI CJIS Division - Record Request
1000 Custer Hollow Road
West Virginia 26306
United States of America
Ok. It all seems difficult. But I can do it.