Broken Hearted Dreams

I sing a song to myself. It’s a song of love and joy, missing my other half. It’s a song for him, a song to heal, a song to mend.                

 

Broken heart                                                                                                                                                                lost soul whispers,

                                                                     waiting for my other half

We stand in a grassy field

     filled with wildflowers

                            we hold hands and just scream,

         scream the pain out

Broken heart, where are you?

                                                                                                       

We lay there and 

                                                             look into each others’ eyes

Lost soul, waiting for you, my everything

waiting for God to bring us back together,

Heartache to heartache we stand, unstoppable

FREE.

Silent moonlight

             fireflies light up the pond

a misty beauty cherished in our hearts

Joy dances in the water, a starless night

We leap with power, into the night.

Strange eyes, lay there and ponder

          free from our sadness

we wonder and wander

we rock back and forth, like before, a long time ago

I see mirrors of madness in my eyes,

Sparkling, crazed eyes,

Lost somewhere in your brilliance

Found everywhere, where the woodlands are

Their beauty echoes, their whispers screams

we lay in the meadows

Mirrors of love,

I see my identical male twin in my eyes, in my face

Mirrors of light,

I find my soul’s deepest desires

I found love somewhere here, with eternal life;

immortality, a Promise

Madness in my eyes

blue-green cat eyes, raving mysteries

wondering, who am I now?

Wonder, wander, be.

There’s a lack of light

through a crack in the window,

light shines through.

I am wrapped in God’s Love,

His eternal promise

Fae folk, elven warrior,

cherub archangel,

I wake up.

Light shines through

Living isn’t a sin

Love bursts through, fresh like the morning dew

There’s a light in the window,

 and sleep is far from me.

Faerie child, dance free

No one will stop you now

Fly, joy forever now

Elven folk, Faerie joy,

Embrace the eternal being you are

Don’t grumble when we do gymnastics and scream and sing

We love our super-hearing

We leap like doves,

like a phoenix’s healing tears,

WE ARE FREE.

Mad Pride: autism and depression

                Autism is a gift from God. It's not a sin to cut yourself. Just be careful, be gentle on yourself and take care of yourself. Force yourself to talk to other people. You need other people. Other Christians. We need fellowship, or we'll be sad and empty. Love yourself. It's okay to write love on your arm with a blade. If you don't have a blade and are taking a break, just draw on your arms with highlighters. Write poetry.
          I stopped cutting for about a year and a half. Before that, I stopped for about five or six years without any therapy. I'm not an addict. I plan on doing it again, someday. I know I have forever. I don't want to kill myself. Life is sacred; I know this. Cutting helps me love myself, and enlightens me - enlightenment is christian - to me it means having realizations and revalations about God, the universe, and myself. I just like the sensation it gives me sometimes. It helps me feel.
      When I smoke cannabis - ganja - I close my eyes and inhale. I won't use a glass bowl again - I don't want liquid glass in my lungs. I'll use a hemp vaporizor instead. Ganja is a gift from God - it helps you talk to Him, and makes you love Him more. It helps you love yourself, and talk to your friends and family more honestly - like a river flowing from our consciousness. I'm not a drug addict. Just weed. The others - DMT, LSD, MDMA - they are all fiction (research chemicals, bath salts...poisons. They just hurt you).

        What does it mean to be autistic? To me, it means I feel awkward around people and it's hard to talk to people honestly, but I force myself to. It makes me want a schedule. I pray to be a genius, and most geniuses are a little bit autistic. It makes me good at math and art. I have an atypical, creative, different, unique view of the world. It makes you embarrassed when you try to talk to your friends. It makes you feel lonely in a crowd of people.. It makes me want to scream and bang my head on my pillow - sometimes the wall. I usually black out for it. I scream to let the pain out.
     Things that are normal to others - sensations, emotions, feelings - make no sense to me. I like being different. I'm a trillion. I started out low functioning, now I am on the high side of medium functioning, but who cares about the spectrum? I still have autism. It gets better, and worse, all the time. Sometimes, when I want to talk to people, I say something without looking at them, and feel awkward and I want to start screaming. When my soulmate was with someone else, and ruined Teen titans for me, I started freaking out as I was walking to the gym at 5 am in the morning. I couldn't sleep because I was feeling elvish heartbreak. I was yelling and freaking out.

      Low functioning autistic people have a hard time sensing other peoples' emotions. Sometimes, autism makes it hard for me to feel. I would cut myself to help me feel something. I sit on the couch and rock back and forth, hitting my back on the couch. Something just feels wrong,and I let my body collapse on the couch. I stay like that, frozen, a little bit relaxed. A calm from God comes over me, and I force myself to get up.

      Autism is autism - whether low, medium, or high functioning. It's real. It's a gift. It's hard to make friends, so it helps me shun evil. God leads me to the people I need in my life. It's all I've ever known. I don't want to be healed. I'm not sick. Sometimes, it makes me feel empty and depressed - lonely, needing someone, needing God. I don't remember my first childhood - it was a trillion years ago. I imagine I might have been worse.
   
     Music helps. Art helps. Cats help. Especially cats. Except, cats need families, so I feel like I'm hurting the cat by only having three cats. My brother has one cat. I don't have any, but cats wake up something inside me, and make me happy. I'm a faerie, so it's easier to talk to cats than people. I'm fully three species: cherub-archangel-faerie-elf. It's an important part of my life.
     When I'm depressed, I'm numb and empty, missing my soulmate. I ask Jesus to come into my heart, I read and study my Bible, and listen to and sing christian music, both outloud and telepathically. Sometimes, God is my only friend. My family are my friends. My soulmate is my friend.
        Art speaks to me. It's hard to read, even though I'm a writer. It's hard to find books that speak to me. But when I do, its a resounding experience. I love writing essays and book reviews. I'm working on my own novel - I'm only on page 54 though.

      Sometimes I don't know what it means to be autistic. The people that stole me didn't tell me I'm autistic. God forced them to make "creation station" - doing art is a way to communicate easier than talking. When I tell the truth, I start freaking out inside, and say never-mind.  My soulmate is my twin - he is the same way. God will lead him back to me. I had a waking dream that told me I was autistic, by meeting a dream character who told me he has aspergers - high functioning autism. It is a gift from God. It's always okay to not be okay. It's okay to be scared of people and it's okay to hurt. It's okay to have a hard time loving yourself. Just try. Be yourself. Don't take risperdol: it's poison,adn causes electric feelings. Seroquel is worse: it makes you feel like there's a disgusting monster inside of you. If it happens in a dream, it's worse and gross and just terrible. It's not a side-effect - its the only effect. God never lets it go down anymore.
 
       Sometimes it means I don't understand the world I'm in - that I was made for a different world. Anyways, that's how I was when I was on Earth. Now I'm almost home, in heaven, just the wrong part of heaven, on assignment. Telepathy helps, but it isn't enough to feel okay. When tears come, I am overjoyed that I am finally feeling something. Tears of sadness turn into tears of joy.
      Be yourself. Don't try to be normal. Accept yourself just the way you are. You might have some hard days, but it's okay. Be, and believe. Cannabis helps. It's the only true medicine. Chamomile and valerian root helps too. Psychiatric drugs don't - drug means poison, and cannabis isn't a drug. It's an herb and a flower.

That's all for now. Love,
Rebecca <3 :)

God's Word (a Bible Study)

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not ashamed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning ; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ''The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him"" (Lamentations 3:19-24)

"It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord" (Lamentations 3:26)

"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord" (Lamentations 3:40)

"You came near when I called you, and you said, 'do not fear'" (Lamentations 3:57)

"I know that You can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted." (Job 42:2)

"These were His instructions: 'Take nothing for the journey except a staff 0 no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Wear sandals but not an extra shirt." (Mark 6:8-9)

                                            *************************

         When you are waiting for your heart's desires, trust in the Lord. The prophet who wrote Lamentation knows that God is faithful and compassionate. Wait quietly. Meditate on peace - quiet, tranquil peace. I'm not saying don't listen to music - listen to music and look for God's messages. Sometimes, you'll feel like sitting in the silence, waiting for realizations to come.
           Friendship is important. Everyone needs friends: christian fellowship. Remember this important truth: God wants to be your friend. He is your Father, brother, and your best friend. He knows what's on your heart - don't try to hide from Him (that can't make you immortal - you are immortal no matter what, but hell is real). He knows your heart. He knows your troubles and pains and frustrations and burdens, and He will take them from you and save you. He will bear your burdens on His shoulder, and walk with you. God's purposes of giving you hope and a future will never fail - no one can force God to be evil. He is all knowing and perfectly good, uninfectable. Fear Him with wonder and awe, and love Him. God is Love, so He will never be evil.

Love,
Rebecca xoxoxo <3 :)

Workout 3

Warm up by running around in your backyard, or on a path, or outside your house. Do this from five minutes to thirty minutes, depending on your endurance. Do knee ups and kick backs and tuck jumps.

Then stretch. do the splits, and do split rolls. In case you didn’t see workout 2, it means you do the splits, roll over onto your back, hold your leg close to your torso, and roll over into the splits on the other side. The same front leg should be in front again, but you should be in a different place parallel to where you were before. Then do straddle stretches and pike stretches.

Some suggestions for body-weight exercises:
1. hollow body rock: lay on your back, but don’t let your legs or neck touch the ground. Hold your arms by your ears behind your head in the air. Rock back and forth.
2. Do this kind of pushup: hold yourself in a plank for 30 seconds, then do a pushup, and hold yourself in a low position for 30 seconds. Repeat (push up and hold for thirty seconds again). Do this until you collapse.
3. Do number 1 again, then number 2 again.
4. do 30 (or until you collapse). tricep dips with your hands on a chair. If you collapse, wait 30 seconds and try again.
5. do 1 and 2 again, then 4 again
6. Do a pushup, stay down, and rock your body forwards and back. Do it as many times as you can.
7. Go into a V-up position with your knees up, then straighten them. bend them again, and straiten them. repeat until collapse.
8.  go on your knees and arms, and lift one leg up 20 times, each side. This trains your butt and your thighs. First, make your leg go straight up vertical. Then swing it slowly (its hard to explain. move the leg up and down, parallel to the floor instead of vertical. do 20 of each.
9. more cardio. do spinning jumps. for the first time, do it with your legs straight, jumping up from your toes. Try to spin double. Then do it from a squat, landing from a squat. Then try a single toe-loop. Pretend you’re figure skating, and jump off your toe, put your other leg over the other leg, spin, and land on one foot with the other foot straight behind you in the air. then run a little. do some gymnastics if you feel like it.
10. STRETCH again. Splits, split rolls, front splits (go on your heals and push your legs down and put your elbows in front and lean down), straddle stretches (both sides and front) and pike stretches (from sitting down and from standing up)

Then remember to replenish your body. Eat an organic energy bar, vegetables, orange juice, water, green machine drinks (make sure it has wheat grass). Pray God puts protein (as much as your body can absorb) in your body.

Thats all. If you want a harder workout, look at workout 1 and 2.
~Rebecca xoxox <3 :)

Workout 2 plus wisdom/inspiration

1. 20 flying jumping jacks
2. 20 high tuck jumps, straightening your legs in the air
3. as many froggers you can do
4. As many triangle pushups you can do
5. As many regular pushups you can do
6. back bend from standing, or if you’re not ready, from the ground. Do it both ways. Then kick each leg up 10 times each side. try to stand up.
7. 20 burpees
8. 20 flying jumping jacks
9. 20 high tuck jumps, like before
10. 30 V-ups
11. 30 ab exercises like this: do V-ups but pull your knees in tucked instead.
12. do as many back bends as you can
13. cartwheels and roundoffs. try to connect them
14. 1 handed cartwheels
15. twisting summersaults, backwards and forward
16. tricep pushups (as many as you can)
17. 30 V-ups
18. If you have weights, do shoulder presses. Hold the weights in the air above your head as long as you can, then hold them in the starting position as long as you can. Repeat. Then do regular shoulder presses
19. Bicep curls. 5 regular ones, then 5 with your arms on your leg sitting on a chair. Repeat with the other side.
20. train your triceps (tricep dips, from a chair, or with a weight above your head. lower it down behind you. also swing it backwards (its hard to describe)
21. do any kind of cardio. go on a run and try to use super-speed and flight.
22. stretch. do the splits (both sides, and front. push yourself, but not too hard.) Do straddle stretches without bending your back. Kiss the ground. touch each feet. Then put your legs together and touch your toes. try to get your stomach and chest to touch your legs. Then stand up and hold your hands above your body, then touch the ground in front of your toes. Do this one a couple of times.
do some of it. just some ideas of what you can do if you don’t have a gym to train in.
Love,
Rebecca <3 :)

Another idea I got after doing this routine: do side-split rolls. Do the side split on your good side, grab your leg, and roll over, into the splits again. Again, you don’t have to do all of it. Pray that God makes you do more than you think you’re capable of, and you’ll get stronger.

1. 

Strength, not weakness: a Bible study

"When the morning leaves (and it always leaves) the sky burns and all clouds turn to ash" someone wrote on tumblr. When hope and sunlight (metaphorically sunlight) leave you, remember what the Bible says about God: "The Lord is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation" (Exodus 15:2) Exodus also says, "The Lord is a warrior" (Exodus 15:3). Isaiah writes, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand" (Isaiah 41:10) and "Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them" (Isaiah 41:12) and "But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 3=40:31). God is telling us that He wants us to be strong. We are made in His image: He is a Warrior, so we're meant to be His warriors too.

Jesus writes, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). What does it mean to be constantly in prayer? To me, it means we are in fellowship with the Lord throughout the day. The back of my mind is always praying. Wake up and thank God. Pray before you eat. Pray when you're happy. Pray when you're sad. Ask God what your sadness means. Pray when you're empty: ask Jesus to come into your heart and fill you so demons don't get a chance to get into your head: fill your head with Jesus instead, and you will be filled with peace and calm.

Psalm 121 says (and I've been looking for this in the Bible for a long time), "The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night" (Psalm 121). This means the sun can't cause cancer. It can cause freckles and moles, but God heals us of those flaws and "imperfections". We are imperfect. We're meant to be imperfect. We are a work in progress: God's artwork. We are the clay, He is the maker. It says that somewhere in the Bible..

Back to the New Testament again. Jesus says, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" (Phillipians 4:13) and "...for I have learned how to be content whatever the circumstances" (Phillipians 4:11b). Yahweh gives us strength, and helps us to be content (and patient) no matter what. He gives us the strength to wait. He wants us to be calm, and worship while we're waiting for our hearts' desires (for me, that's getting my family back, going to gymnastics and getting my back layout, front aerial, and back handspring - I know I'll get it quickly because I did it for a trillion years).

Genesis says, "...Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything" (Genesis 9:3) The "green plants" refer to cannabis - ganja. It is a gift from God. When the Bible says "calamus", the prophet means "Cannabis"...it was just lost in translation. Genesis also says, "But you must not eat meat that has lifeblood still in it" (Genesis 9:4). The Bible is telling us to be vegan, except for meat and seafood created not from animals but just from God's hand, without the chemicals or hormones or GMOs that the animals eat. It doesn't come from animals, but still I believe it is unhealthy and tastes terrible to me. I try hard to be vegan, but I slip up sometimes.

God doesn't want us to be weak. He wants us to be unafraid, and to fly with wings like eagles. Nobody has to die - the New Testament never says people have to die. If they did, God would wake their body up and carry them to heaven.

Jesus writes in Corintheans, "Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corintheans 12:10) This simply means that Jesus turns our weaknesses into strength. Jesus also writes, "Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." (Mathew 26:41). It is our spirit that makes us strong, then. However, the flesh doesn't HAVE to be weak: Mathew was talking about humans. When you are filled with evil desires "of the flesh", you are weak. When you are filled with the Holy Spirit, and keep your mind stayed on compassion, love, good works, joy, and peace, your entire being is strong.

In Romans, a prophet inspired by Yahweh, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit says, "We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up." (Romans 15:1-2) The strong protect the weak. The archangels, angels, elves, faeries, hobbits, and sprites are meant to help the humans transform, and become angelic and then archangelic. We are meant to dedicate our lives to God, not just for ourselves. God wants us to be happy, filled with strength (inner power) and joy and love. He wants us to do the activities that bring us true joy. For me, it is gymnastics, ballet, figure skating, and kung fu. I also enjoy writing essays on literature and making music and studying music theory and learning my secret kanguages (elvish, faerie, and archangel). All of these things I am waiting for will happen in time. I am content as I wait. Being content in all situations makes one strong.

So don't give up and don't lose courage or compassion. You never know what's going on in your neighbor's head, so don't judge. Help them. Strengthen them. Forgive them. Love them.

That's it for now,
Rebecca :) <3 

Faith, Hope, and Love

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (James 1:2-3)

"But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt." (James 1:6a)

"Every good and perfect gift is from above coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17)

"My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism" (James 2:1)

"I have hidden your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against you." (Psalm 119:11) The Psalm also says to walk with God and to seek Him with all your heart.

"Your Word, Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens." (Psalm 119:89)

"There is no one like the God of Jeshurum, who rides across the heavens to help you and on the clouds in His majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemies before you." (Deuteronemy 33:26-27a)

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord who has compassion on you." (Isaiah 54:10)

When you believe, God gives. When your faith is tested, don't let it be washed away. If it isn't washed away, you will grow stronger in belief in Jesus. Reading God's Word, meditating on it, and putting it in your heart  helps you to believe and helps you refuse to sin, Refuse to hate, refuse to be angry, except for righteous anger at evil beings for trying to ruin God's World and His people. Belief in jesus stops us from sinning because He commands us not to sin, and we love Him, so we obey Him. There is no such thing as an unforgivable sin, though. God loves everyone and never gives up on anyone. He gives everyone faith, and that's a start.

That's all for now. Read both the old testament and the new testament. Love,
Rebecca <3 :)

Light on a hill: Fear or love?

      There are some things about change: sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, but most of the time it's both. Perfect love casts out all fear. God quiets us with His love, and rejoices over us with singing. He writes, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3 We are God's artwork, and He is still making us. We are the clay; He is the Maker. The everlasting Artist.
       In Proverbs, God writes, "My son,if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding - indeed, if you call out for insight  and cry aloud for understanding and you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure; then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding" (Proverbs 2:1-6) When God says He wants us to be afraid, He means a little bit of fear, knowing destruction is possible (but will never happen), and having wonder and awe at the same time. I think people were supposed to fear God before Jesus came.
            Jesus came to take away that fear. He stopped punishing, and gave grace and forgiveness instead. He gave us love. Jesus writes, "You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden." (Mathew 5:14). If we are light, God gave us the light that we are. I saw a beautiful, wild hill, and knew instantly that I'm in heaven. Jesus writes, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock" (Mathew 7:24). It means our soul has a solid foundation of faith, hope and love. The Bible says that not even the wind can tear down our house (our bodies) - our bodies are immortal, because they are built on solid foundation (Jesus). Jesus makes us immortal, whether human or elf or faerie or angel or archangel or sprite.
       
      If you want to be a soprano, you WILL be a soprano. Just pray, and wait patiently. God will give you a high voice. Don't give up. Wake up in the morning and thank God. Meditate and read the Bible. I forget to sometimes, but I get around to it in the middle of the day. I don't really know if we're supposed to fear God. I know we're supposed to love Him with all our mind and soul and spirit and strength. I know we can keep our bodies forever. I know spirits have consciousness: they are made out of spirit muscle, and are really flexible. When they pray for a soul, God gives it to them, because He has their soul planned. Then, He gives them a body, when they are true christians. There is hope for EVERYONE because God created all things.

Thanks for reading,
Rebecca <3 :)