5.5.2019

 The strength in me is the strength God puts in me. I store my strength in my muscles every time I go to workout. I sweat out all my pain and dreams and doubts. I love singing in the rain and the color green and acorns and burning ember and candles lit to worship Jesus and wearing headbands and the cacti in the desert and the sand when I rush into the ocean and let the waves get me high. Beautiful things give me strength. I keep this strength with me for a rainy day or when I have to go strange places I have never been before and try not to care that I might get lost.

I love to work out because I want to be an archangel. I want to be a warrior of God. I want to lift a car with one hand and jump off of a rushing white waterfall and flip into the rocky pool at the bottom. I want to swim and train and train and train.

I don't understand anymore why someone would want to put chemicals in their fucking lungs instead of dancing wildly on a sandy beach and running into teal waves that crash hard. Why soar secretly on black wings with bitter acerbic white dust running through your veins contaminating your blood, when you can fly for real in the ocean and in sunny lakes? Why sit there getting high when you can dig your toes into the sand at the beach, when you can dive under the water and dig for sharp seashells? Why not sit and cry, why not sit through the pain, why try to escape?

There is an arcane buzzing in me. There is a spark that lights me up and I go running after it. There is a yearning like the water, and I run fast towards a beautiful horizon.

Goals and dreams

Things I want to accomplish:

1. Go to the Olympics for Gymnastics and win
2. Get a PhD
3. Write and publish a novel
4. Get superstrength, work hard lifting weights, bicep curls with 100+lbs
5. Stay fit and understand exercise-science
6. Fall in love

art therapy and Christianity and my journey

I found a quote that really speaks to me:

“If I stay long enough in the studio, just stay with the work even if it doesn’t feel great or seem satisfying or directional or conclusive, if I just stay to tend and garden, then my mind gradually yields control to the more automatic labor of painting, and with that comes a sweet spot in the process further down, a worn groove, a sense of ease.” – Anna Schuleit I am in the process of becoming an art therapist, or more specifically, going deeper into my journey to bring happiness and love to people through giving space to create art, including poetry, paintings, collages. To eventually see the Jesus in the process revealing Himself to my clients. I call myself neorodivergent. I have lately been becoming aware that I have always been autistic and that it was missed in my childhood. I almost feel like I missed out on the childhood I was supposed to have. Anyways, I can live now the way I am supposed to. I love to train gymnastics and lift heavy weights. Since my church choir tour when I was sixteen, I have decided that I want to be a super-hero, specifically, batman (though I am female). I will be back to write more.

Pilgrimage to New Zealand

I feel called to move to New Zealand. It is sooo important to me but all of the red tape makes it feel overwhelming.

I swear I have good character. I am a loving Christian church goer. I am a writer. I want to help people with mental illnesses find peace, love, and wellness. I want to bring Jesus to them.

It seems complicated. So I will break it down to these steps:
                      1. Go to NZ. Get a tourist visa extended to 1 year
                       2. Apply for jobs and have an employer sign the employment part of the application.
                       3. Go to a doctor and get a chest x-ray...whats in my heart? Jesus. Get that part of the work visa application signed.
                     4. Get finger-printed and send a letter to the fbi to get a certificate of good character

I am rehearsing my plan to become a citizen of New Zealand. If it is God's plan for me (PLEASE, God! :) )I will become a NZ citizen

Looking at all the steps, it feels more possible. I can do it.

This is what I need to do:
           request this:

Identity History Summary Check

Apply to either the FBI or an approved channeler.

              FBI CJIS Division - Record Request

FBI CJIS Division - Record Request
1000 Custer Hollow Road
Clarksburg
West Virginia 26306
United States of America

Ok. It all seems difficult. But I can do it.

dreams

I had the same dream I always have. I am back in Pittsburgh and my mom is there. She says she is going to leave. I really believed I was somehow living in both Pittsburgh and Maryland. Then I thought I would go home and take a bus to downtown Pittsburgh and walk to Oakland, PA.

Another dream I had. My mom was teaching martial arts to kids. The girls were wearing dance leotards and tutus instead of gis. The boys  were wearing black t shirts and black pants. Then I was in the  wilderness and other things happened.

Spiritual warfare || poetry

I am not okay
demons are in my brain, inside of me, attacking me
I want to fight it without psychiatric drugs.
Can I be that strong?
Writing can be therapeutic
Writing can change the world
Writing can heal the world
Can I be that big, that strong?

I am not okay
Terror, anxiety
Lost somewhere, cold outside
Dreary day

Loving Obedience

Ask yourself: what does it mean to obey God? What is loving obedience?
        It means that God is not a dictator; He is a faithful, LOVING King who wants the best for us. He wants us to be happy and loved and full of joy. He wants us to do the activities that make us happy - for example, for me gymnastics dance kung fu and figure skating.
It means that God wants us to follow Him because He is wiser and knows us more than we know ourselves, because like novelists, He plotted us out - thought about us, decided what we would want to do, the scents that would please us, the being we would be forever - before He even put us in our mother's womb. He wants us to see and experience His GREAT LOVE.
He inspires us to LOVE Him with all our heart and mind and soul and strength and spirit, as well as our neighbors and even our enemies. He doesn't want us to obey out of fear, although it's okay to fear Him sometimes. Remember then, that perfect LOVE casts out all FEAR.
         Ask yourself this: What is Love? GOD is LOVE. Love is patient, kind, Truthful, eternal, and free. Love gives GRACE, which is unmerited favor, that we didn't earn but is given to us because Jesus died on a cross to destroy sin and death and chaos. He gives us GRACE because He LOVES us in a way that may be hard for most people to fathom. As an archangel, I want to love people in the same way, and do what Jesus would do, but I don't want to be Him.
           Love is LIVING WATER. Love is Jesus inside of your HEART. Living Water is given to us from Jesus, like He gave water to the gentile woman at the well. People think Jesus is a "Jew" but He is Christian, because He is the Christ.
            Loving obedience comes when you trust Him out of LOVE, knowing He is wiser. You obey for God's sake, and for your sake, and for the sake of all of God's People. You obey for your well-being, because LOVE of GOD brings you PEACE and TRANQUILITY. It's to shine a light upon other people and use your gifts to inspire and teach other people. It's to bring other people to God.

God's WORD of the day:
Old Testament:
 "And a highway will be there; it will be Called the Way of Holiness; It will be there for those who walk on that way. The unclean will not journey on it; wicked fools will not go about on it. No lion will be there, nor any ravenous beast; they will not be found there. But only the redeemed will walk there, and those the Lord has rescued will return." ~Isaiah 35:8-10a.

New Testament:
"Jesus is the stone you builders rejected, which has become the cornerstone. Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under Heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved" ~Acs 4:11-12

Knowing all of this, trust that God will protect you. God will treasure you and cherish you and give you a Way out of the darkness. He is the cornerstone of LOVE. He created LOVE and COMPASSION and TRUTH. So seek Eternal Truth, and breathe in God's air. Some ways to fight evil: say, "Breath of God, breathe on me." "Oh God oh God I need you." Preach to them. "I command you to leave in the name of Jesus Christ." "The blood of Christ is over me now and forever more." "I plead the blood of Jesus Christ." Then explain it. And preach about God's LIGHT and LOVE and the demons will leave.

Love,
Rebecca

Heavenly Sports

        Some sports bring people to God. Gymnastics, for example, requires wings and super-strength. So God gives Earth athletes faerie wings and sprite wings, and they feel like they're flying. It makes them happy, and they start to wonder if they are angels, because they don't believe in faeries. Skateboarding and figure skating requires wings too. To stay in the air long enough to do a triple toe loop, you need wings. Do do tricks on a skateboard, you need extra agility and wings. It makes them believe in God, and, sometimes, they decide to seek Him. And the Holy Bible says, "Seek and you will find."
       In Gymnastics, God helps earth athletes do their flips and layouts and twists, 99.9999999%, until they get better and need less help. Practice makes perfect. For a lot of sports, wings are required. Especially snowboarding down mountains and sky diving. It's dangerous, people, if you have no faith.