When I was a teenager my dad called me a sociopath, abused me, threw me on the ground, every morning before school we would fight and I would hit him with my hair brush.
Since then I have discovered autism and aspd. I have wondered if I am somewhere on the spectrum. My psychiatrists think it is schizzoaffective disorder but I don't trust the system or doctors et cetera et cetera.
The summer after my first year of college I realized I don't feel anything for anyone except for the fictional characters in Smallville. Every time I re watch all the episodes of Smallville I would remember that I am still back where I was at age 17, stuck in a fantasy world in extremes of good and evil, super heroes and super villians.
I would cut myself to feel alive and to prepare myself if I ever had to defend myself. So I would never be afraid of the pain of a knife.
Now I am obsessed with lifting heavy shit and throwing my body in the air into powerful flips. It is fun and I say it is therepeutic. I don't really know if it is. I sweat and I feel alive. My body aches and is sore and I am thrilled. I train to be strong, strong even just for the thrill of being strong.
When I was a teenager the idea that there might be another war, a real one and not just one in a history textbook, excited me. I was a 4.0 student in highschool but I often secretly cheated, wandered the hallways during lunch throwing away my lunch and running up and down the staircases and doing wild toe touches and jumping jacks.
Normal is a social construct that I refuse to be a part of. I spend long hours listening to music, writing, working out. Being a loner suits me but I do enjoy spending time with my family but after a certain amount of time I feel drained and need to leave the room and sit by myself in my room or wherever I find myself to be.
I'll continue this later...
No comments:
Post a Comment